THE Nth DEGREE: THE STRAIGHT DOPE
PAPER THIN
by N
I have found the best thing for the bedroom since KY, a condom with an attached head. If you’re a prudish or squeamish this is not the blog for you. Frankly, I don’t know how this brilliant innovation made its way into the Amazing Superstores of Rhode Island and Peep Show/Porn Havens of NYC and somehow never made it into my adult nudie shopping bag at the store. This single use small, ranging from 2” to 4”, plastic penis head attached to a condom invention could have single handily helped me these last six months.
Recently, I’ve started the ugly and inexplicably suicidal like task of dating. Dating in NYC is like that quote by Emma Lazarus, “Bring me your poor, your hungry…” of course in the voice of the great NYC woman, the Statue of Liberty. Only my dating voice says, “Bring me a man who brings me flowers, to nice restaurants, picks me up in Brooklyn and whisks me away to his spacious apartment with great views of the city. Give me a man with a respectable job, a debonair smile, toned abs, ripped arms, a sense of humor to keep me in stitches for days, height that makes me want to climb him, who cooks, has an Olympic medal in kissing, loves his family and treats me like GOLD. No, scratch that, PLATINUM.”
Well, I’ve found those guys. I call them “great on paper men.” They literally look good on paper, make a list of their qualities or take a picture. They’re phenomenal. They have everything and more than I just mentioned. Except for, dare I say it, the extra 3” a man needs where it counts.
Now, I know not every man can be born with a porn star dick. Nor, do women always prefer an extraterrestrial sized penis coming at them full throttle but there are two things we can all agree on. 1. It needs to work properly and 2. We need to be able to feel it when you’re fucking us. This is where the “great on paper man” comes up short. (Yes, I just penis punned.) Allow me to explain.
Scenario One: Phil*
Blonde
Blue Eyed
6’ 3”
33 year-old Bartender/Phone carrier worker
Two apartments one in Manhattan and one in Brooklyn
Wants to be married yesterday
Loves children, traveling, and great wine
HIS PENIS WAS THE LENGTH AND WIDTH OF A BIC CIGARETTE LIGHTER.
Scenario Two: Jerry*
32 year-old Cartoonist/Web Designer (Owned his own company!)
Tall, Dark, and Gorgeous
Would trek from NJ to Brooklyn by train to meet me
Looking for an all expenses paid (by him) travel companion
HIS PENIS WAS AS THIN AND LIMP AS A WET (BROKEN IN HALF) PIECE OF LINGUINE.
I shit you not ladies. These were actual men I dated, attractive, smart, goal orientated, respectable, hardworking, emotionally available men; all just wanting what everyone wants someone to love them and make love to them. However, I couldn’t do it; not even with a plastic penis head. Great on paper did not mean great in bed, ipso facto meaning not so great for me.
So I ‘m going to keep looking and hope you do too. Because at the end of the day, if all we have to turn to are these new fangled sex products to “find” true love, then we all are being short changed and we are definitely worth more.
PAPER THIN
by N
I have found the best thing for the bedroom since KY, a condom with an attached head. If you’re a prudish or squeamish this is not the blog for you. Frankly, I don’t know how this brilliant innovation made its way into the Amazing Superstores of Rhode Island and Peep Show/Porn Havens of NYC and somehow never made it into my adult nudie shopping bag at the store. This single use small, ranging from 2” to 4”, plastic penis head attached to a condom invention could have single handily helped me these last six months.
Recently, I’ve started the ugly and inexplicably suicidal like task of dating. Dating in NYC is like that quote by Emma Lazarus, “Bring me your poor, your hungry…” of course in the voice of the great NYC woman, the Statue of Liberty. Only my dating voice says, “Bring me a man who brings me flowers, to nice restaurants, picks me up in Brooklyn and whisks me away to his spacious apartment with great views of the city. Give me a man with a respectable job, a debonair smile, toned abs, ripped arms, a sense of humor to keep me in stitches for days, height that makes me want to climb him, who cooks, has an Olympic medal in kissing, loves his family and treats me like GOLD. No, scratch that, PLATINUM.”
Well, I’ve found those guys. I call them “great on paper men.” They literally look good on paper, make a list of their qualities or take a picture. They’re phenomenal. They have everything and more than I just mentioned. Except for, dare I say it, the extra 3” a man needs where it counts.
Now, I know not every man can be born with a porn star dick. Nor, do women always prefer an extraterrestrial sized penis coming at them full throttle but there are two things we can all agree on. 1. It needs to work properly and 2. We need to be able to feel it when you’re fucking us. This is where the “great on paper man” comes up short. (Yes, I just penis punned.) Allow me to explain.
Scenario One: Phil*
Blonde
Blue Eyed
6’ 3”
33 year-old Bartender/Phone carrier worker
Two apartments one in Manhattan and one in Brooklyn
Wants to be married yesterday
Loves children, traveling, and great wine
HIS PENIS WAS THE LENGTH AND WIDTH OF A BIC CIGARETTE LIGHTER.
Scenario Two: Jerry*
32 year-old Cartoonist/Web Designer (Owned his own company!)
Tall, Dark, and Gorgeous
Would trek from NJ to Brooklyn by train to meet me
Looking for an all expenses paid (by him) travel companion
HIS PENIS WAS AS THIN AND LIMP AS A WET (BROKEN IN HALF) PIECE OF LINGUINE.
I shit you not ladies. These were actual men I dated, attractive, smart, goal orientated, respectable, hardworking, emotionally available men; all just wanting what everyone wants someone to love them and make love to them. However, I couldn’t do it; not even with a plastic penis head. Great on paper did not mean great in bed, ipso facto meaning not so great for me.
So I ‘m going to keep looking and hope you do too. Because at the end of the day, if all we have to turn to are these new fangled sex products to “find” true love, then we all are being short changed and we are definitely worth more.
posted by Malik Isasis at
4:52 PM
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