THE END IS NIGH

apocalyptic musings from the edge
by Reverend Derek, Matrix Correspondent













Therefore shall her plagues come in one day, death, and mourning, and famine; and she shall be utterly burned with fire: for strong is the Lord God who judgeth her.

Revelation 18:8

Good times. It goes on like that for awhile. Something about 12 beasts, 10 horns, 7 brides for 7 brothers. No worries though, the good guys win in the end. Like a predictable and vapid Hollywood blockbuster starring Jerry Falwell and Ronald Reagan only filled with the kind of schizophrenic imagery one might see after a liquor fueled, 3 day Acid and Benzedrine high. This is our story, the American story; Rivers of blood, lakes of fire and of course, who can forget the ominous ‘rider on the white horse’. Clint Eastwood riding down from the heavens to purge the earth of the sinful pre-marital fornicators, pagan tree huggers and Planned Parenthood employees.

Welcome to America, home to a biblical vision that would likely be unrecognizable to Christ himself. According to CBS news:

“An estimated 70 million Americans call themselves evangelicals, and their beliefs have already reshaped American politics. In the last election, 40 percent of the votes for George W. Bush came from their ranks, and now those beliefs are beginning to reshape the culture as well”.

That’s right. If everyone in this country were old enough to claim a religious preference, and obviously they’re not, then almost a full quarter of the population of the United States would be Evangelical Christian. The new Christianity; a mixture of American myth and Biblical wrath, all fueled by political will. The American Evangelicals: biblical ‘literalists’; unable to think for themselves and apparently unwilling to read their own bibles, electing the functionally retarded to office, rewriting the history of America, and restructuring the narrative of our culture. However unlikely it seems, apparently the “Prince of Peace” a man-god who is so filled with love he elected to be nailed to a board to wipe clean the sins of man, also has an unmitigated anger problem that compels him to throw all Satan worshipping liberal sympathizers (including those goddamn teletubies) into a frothing lake of fire. Jesus, purveyor of endless love and unthinkable destruction, the son of god who beckoned, “those without sin to cast the first stone” is, according to biblical scripture, also relegating the ‘sinful’ to eternal suffering…‘Sinful’ of course meaning everyone who refuses to vote Republican. This appears to be no problem for modern Evangelicals; even if they read their own bibles they would never think to question its contents.

The end is nigh and the end times are close at hand. There is no doubt about it. But don’t bother repenting, the apocalypse isn’t here for the reasons our Evangelical Christian brothers and sisters say it is. The end is near because a majority of us hold it dear. In a scenario where Jesus will return and judge the souls of the living and the dead, creating a new heaven and a new earth, there’s no real reason to stop dumping shit in the ocean, driving an Escalade or hosing our genetically modified corn with toxic chemicals. According to the Evangelical (and many other varieties of modern Christian), Jesus will be back soon, and he’s going to be pissed. Not at our arrogance and lack of concern for a paradise given to our care, and not for the senseless slaughter of half a million Iraqi’s. He’s going to be pissed at Al Gore and Barbara Boxer. He’s going to smite the gays and the atheists and the chronic masturbators. He’s got a list and he’s checking it twice, like Santa Claus or Richard Nixon. And by-god he’s going to have Al Franken’s ass.

My grandfather used to say people have been predicting the end of the world since its beginning. It was his way of saying that people have been predicting its end for so long that all apocalyptic predictions have lost their meaning. After all, we’re still here right? Despite my profound respect for my grandfather, I would argue the opposite, that because we insist on perpetuating a cultural story that predicts apocalypse we create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Our story ensures pestilence (or lack thereof, e.g. colony collapse disorder), fiery lakes (see The Cuyahoga River Fire of 1969) and a whole lot of smiting (the Christian god loves a good smiting e.g. Iraq, Vietnam or the treatment of the North American Indian). After all, we’re god’s chosen people and the earth was given to us. We are here to subdue it and then move to our heavenly abode, cue the harp.

Many cultures have stories regarding the beginning and end of the world. In a predominantly Christian culture, that end is Revelation. According to a study completed at The Graduate Center at the City University of New York in 2001, 77% of Americans identified as Christian in that same year. Despite the fact that many of those counted are not Evangelicals and may not be biblical literalists; Revelation weighs heavily on the Christian mind. The popularity of the “Left Behind” series is a testament to this fact. The series has 40 million copies in print and depicts the rapture, a biblically dubious event that seems to have caught the imagination of a lot of misinformed people all over the country. Americans seem more excited about reading the “Left Behind” series than the bible itself. According to a 2005 Harper’s magazine article,

“Three quarters of Americans believe the Bible teaches that “God helps those who help themselves.” That is, three out of four Americans believe that this uber-American idea, a notion at the core of our current individualist politics and culture, which was in fact uttered by Ben Franklin, actually appears in Holy Scripture.”


That’s right, 75%. Ironically about the same percent of American’s who claim to be Christian.

None of this would be a matter of concern if the United States were a small country with little international pull. Not so. The biggest military spender on the planet locked in a religiously charged conflict, while at the same time completely ignoring the fact that the polar ice caps are melting is a concern. If the U.S. spent half the money on education as it does on missiles that can be flown with an Atari joystick or giant earth orbiting space cannons, we might just examine our beliefs closely enough to avoid what can only be currently described as the unavoidable. Instead we draw ever closer to fire, brimstone, pestilence and other manifestations of ‘god’s wrath’. There’s no problem by the way, we have the technology to manufacture fire and brimstone. We currently shower it daily on large portions of Iraq. And as far as other events that can be attributed to god’s wrath, we have been quite adept at producing them as well. The oceans are so filled with toxic poisons whales are beaching themselves to get the fuck out of it. In addition, massive storm systems fueled by global warming are coming to a city near you. (Just remember, if you’re in New Orleans it’s the wrath of god and if you’re in Kansas it’s simply a random and tragic event.) So, pull up a chair and grab your genetically modified popcorn. There’s a new sheriff in town and his name is Jesus. And when justice is dispensed none of us will escape the long arm of the law. In the words of the late great Curtis Mayfield, “…if there’s a hell below, we’re all gonna go.”

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