THE RELATIONSHIP EDITION: ISSUE 69, VOLUME 99
BROKE, AND BROKEN UP
by Malik Isasis
I’m from Seattle, and I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon here in the big city. New York City is a difficult place to eek out an existence amongst the 8 million others who are also running full speed on the hamster wheel to keep the engines of American capitalism churning. Living on a working income means having roommates at the age of 35, or even 45. It means living in studio apartments that aren’t really studio apartments. It means tolerating long commutes on the train, from one borough to the other for work. It isn’t easy living here if you do not have the financial means.
No wonder so many people here are so miserable. I think Sweden may actually be onto something, but I digress. What I’ve noticed in my two years here are the couples who’ve fell in love, moved in together—either to save money, or to live with each other instead of roommates. Those same couples then fall out of love and are stuck with one another because they cannot afford to move out. This New York phenomenon was born before the Bush economy. Talk about your misery index.
Over the weekend I was having dinner with a close friend who also moved to New York from Seattle with his girlfriend (for the lack of a better term). They’d been together for seven years, and were my role models, an institution of what relationships should be, but over dinner he confessed that they’d actually been broken up for a year, but living together because either couldn’t afford to move out. My reaction of course was damn. I felt like the child whose parents were getting a divorce. For one year we’ve been out dancing, celebrating birthdays, having dinner parties and all along they were broken up, but too broke to move on.
I have another friend who has dated her boyfriend (for a lack of a better term) for eight years. She casually mentioned that they’ve actually been broken up for two years, but again they were together because of economics. It seems like they were stuck in a loop , which suggested that relationship had run its course but as a social worker and working student, they too were broken up, but too broke to move on.
Obviously, not all New York couples stay because they can't afford to move. I know one such friend from Brooklyn who moved in with her boyfriend (for lack of a better term) in Queens, she did a smart thing by subletting her apartment for six months, so when it didn’t work out, she had her apartment to come back to.
I cannot imagine, wouldn’t like to, to have once loved someone so much to want to live with her, but if it ended would have to eventually watch her move on with her life right before my eyes. I cannot imagine the enmesh mess of such a gamble. Apparently, it is not only the unmarried who suffer from this, but also the married.
Couples who fall out of love may not even have a job anymore, much less the funds to hire an attorney to make their split legal. With housing prices down, they can't afford to sell off the real estate and go their separate ways. So some are biding their time by tolerating the other's company on their home turf. It's faux separation, recession style.
Staying together doesn't work for everyone, says Manhattan psychotherapist Mel Schwartz. "If you have people who are not respectful of each other, then I would recommend getting out of the marriage at all costs," he says. "Even when people agree to stay together because of the economy, it can be a little awkward. It works when they act like they are roommates or tenants in same house, but it can be awkward when one wants to bring a friend into the house."
A very dear friend of mind was waiting for her lease to expire so that she could move in with her boyfriend. She asked for my opinion and I opined, that it was a very bad idea, it had not been a year yet, and they were having some communication issues. I first asked, what’s the rush to which there was no rational reason and I told her to seek counseling first before making the move. She listened, rightly so, it seems like the relationship is not going to survive the summer.
I think more weight is put into the cost savings of living together, rather than the compatibility. New Yorkers may save some money cohabitating but if it doesn’t work out and you’re stuck with one another longer than you’d like, the misery index will far outweigh the initial cost savings.
BROKE, AND BROKEN UP
by Malik Isasis
I’m from Seattle, and I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon here in the big city. New York City is a difficult place to eek out an existence amongst the 8 million others who are also running full speed on the hamster wheel to keep the engines of American capitalism churning. Living on a working income means having roommates at the age of 35, or even 45. It means living in studio apartments that aren’t really studio apartments. It means tolerating long commutes on the train, from one borough to the other for work. It isn’t easy living here if you do not have the financial means.
No wonder so many people here are so miserable. I think Sweden may actually be onto something, but I digress. What I’ve noticed in my two years here are the couples who’ve fell in love, moved in together—either to save money, or to live with each other instead of roommates. Those same couples then fall out of love and are stuck with one another because they cannot afford to move out. This New York phenomenon was born before the Bush economy. Talk about your misery index.
Over the weekend I was having dinner with a close friend who also moved to New York from Seattle with his girlfriend (for the lack of a better term). They’d been together for seven years, and were my role models, an institution of what relationships should be, but over dinner he confessed that they’d actually been broken up for a year, but living together because either couldn’t afford to move out. My reaction of course was damn. I felt like the child whose parents were getting a divorce. For one year we’ve been out dancing, celebrating birthdays, having dinner parties and all along they were broken up, but too broke to move on.
I have another friend who has dated her boyfriend (for a lack of a better term) for eight years. She casually mentioned that they’ve actually been broken up for two years, but again they were together because of economics. It seems like they were stuck in a loop , which suggested that relationship had run its course but as a social worker and working student, they too were broken up, but too broke to move on.
Obviously, not all New York couples stay because they can't afford to move. I know one such friend from Brooklyn who moved in with her boyfriend (for lack of a better term) in Queens, she did a smart thing by subletting her apartment for six months, so when it didn’t work out, she had her apartment to come back to.
I cannot imagine, wouldn’t like to, to have once loved someone so much to want to live with her, but if it ended would have to eventually watch her move on with her life right before my eyes. I cannot imagine the enmesh mess of such a gamble. Apparently, it is not only the unmarried who suffer from this, but also the married.
Couples who fall out of love may not even have a job anymore, much less the funds to hire an attorney to make their split legal. With housing prices down, they can't afford to sell off the real estate and go their separate ways. So some are biding their time by tolerating the other's company on their home turf. It's faux separation, recession style.
Staying together doesn't work for everyone, says Manhattan psychotherapist Mel Schwartz. "If you have people who are not respectful of each other, then I would recommend getting out of the marriage at all costs," he says. "Even when people agree to stay together because of the economy, it can be a little awkward. It works when they act like they are roommates or tenants in same house, but it can be awkward when one wants to bring a friend into the house."
A very dear friend of mind was waiting for her lease to expire so that she could move in with her boyfriend. She asked for my opinion and I opined, that it was a very bad idea, it had not been a year yet, and they were having some communication issues. I first asked, what’s the rush to which there was no rational reason and I told her to seek counseling first before making the move. She listened, rightly so, it seems like the relationship is not going to survive the summer.
I think more weight is put into the cost savings of living together, rather than the compatibility. New Yorkers may save some money cohabitating but if it doesn’t work out and you’re stuck with one another longer than you’d like, the misery index will far outweigh the initial cost savings.
posted by Malik Isasis at
1:41 AM
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