THE Nth DEGREE: THE STRAIGHT DOPE
THE MAN CAVE: A SPECIAL INVESTIGATION
by N
Okay ladies, here it is the real deal; we all know that there are certain components that are always there in a new manfriend’s apartment. But did you know that certain components are in all single guy apartments? Recently, I started visiting more and more single guy apartments, of course in the name of research, and realized I have been given the power to spot these single guy household commonalities (SGHC). So I have decided to share my powers for the good of all womankind and for the sake of a little laugh. See if you can spot them at your new guy’s place. Happy hunting!
THE LIVING ROOM
The Leather Couch: This may be the only place to sit in his living room. I have seen this component in white leather as well as black leather. Unfortunately, for the most part, it does contain two reclining seat units; perfect for watching HIS favorite team score while ignoring you. Fortunately, after the game is over, maybe you’ll get to score here too!
The Strategically Placed Animal Print Item: A pillow, a throw, or perhaps a stuffed animal from an ex. These items should be quickly found and burned or at least hidden while you’re in his apartment. What the hell is a grown man, who is not a porn star, doing with animal print items anyway? He is not Tarzan and we are not Jane! Get over it!
The Enormous Television: Yes ladies, size does matter; at least with his television. If you can lie down and horizontally have your height measured with the length of the screen, welcome to a man who is going to love his T.V. more than you. Beware this SGHC may also appear again in the bedroom and can also be accompanied by…
The Video Game System: Okay, so maybe it’s hidden or maybe he has one on order at Amazon.com but it’s usually there. Whether it’s the Wii, the Xbox, or the PSP, Find it! This will become the thing you hate the most! Either he will dump you for becoming better than him at Madden ’09 or you will smash this SGHC to smithereens with your stiletto; whichever way, it isn’t going to end pretty.
THE KITCHEN
The Mug: A.K.A the bowl, the wine glass, the beer pong stand in cup. What the hell is he thinking only owning mugs and that one lone NY Rangers Plastic Beer cup from a 1995 home game at Madison Square Garden? Either his mom or his ex should have stepped in by now. You can do one of two things suggest he buy them and wait for them to come (unlikely) or run!
The Empty Fridge/Freezer: Well empty is a bit harsh. The nine Taco Bell hot sauce packets, the upside-down bottle of ketchup with that one last drop, and the 12 pack of PBR, Bud Light, or Newcastle, depending on his fiscal funding. Now, brace yourselves ladies there might just be a pitcher of cold water for you to drink. See below…
A Brita Water Filtration Pitcher: I know you’re impressed. “This guy must be domesticated and be ready to get married!” Whoa and No! His mom brought this for him when he moved in, he got tired of drinking shitty city water when he comes home drunk, or he is too cheap/too eco-friendly (BOTH WEIRD) to buy bottled water!
The Oddly Placed Dish Towel: This one gets tricky. He uses it to wipe up messes on his counter, as a napkin, and to dry off clean dishes. It never sees the inside of his laundry pile never mind the washing machine. It can be ratty, colored, stained, or contain some weird horse or dog print. Nonetheless, he incongruously folds it and places it neatly on the stove/oven handle or a strategically placed hook. Should we be disgusted with the lack of cleanliness or impressed with the meticulous hang up strategy?
THE BEDROOM
The Comforter from 1984: Okay, so I know that the Transformers movie just made a new appearance in the theatres but that is no excuse for grown men to still have the cartoon version of the comforter on their beds! (Oh yes ladies, I have seen this!) I’m sorry but the mysteriously stained and faded one isn’t cutting it in the bedroom any longer. I want to shout from the rooftop, “BUY A NEW COMFORTER!”
The Thin Brown Pillows: I hate to quote another year here but “1976 called, it wants pillows back!” Seriously, do guys not know that stores sell pillows; new ones, fluffy ones, white and clean ones. If I have to see another puke colored piece of fabric with a case on it, I’m going to vomit!
The Dresser: This is usually a man’s place that he uses as a catchall. Be savvy when perusing over this area. You can spot where he has been and where he is going. Hopefully, you will find a fancy dinner reservation for the two of you among the other girls’ phone numbers, receipts, condoms, and matchbooks.
The Closet: I know what you’re saying, “I have a closet, N.” I know so do I, but mine or should I say ours is not filled with a dirty laundry pile, pairs of Reef flip-flops with the bottle opener on the bottom, and a mini-fridge for midnight beers. Keep a close eye on this guy or at least sneak a beer while he’s sleeping.
THE BATHROOM
Dirty Shower Curtain: I am going to try to be nice here. Why do so many so many single men think that the curtain will magically get cleaned just by being in the shower? Mold, Mildew, and Dirt do not go away on their own. I’ve been that girl clinging for dear life in the single guy’s shower up against the wall trying to avoid even skimming the dirty curtain with my elbow. Do yourselves a favor and the next girl’s; cut this SGHC down! He’ll get the hint.
Toothpaste Graveyard A.K.A the Bathroom Sink: This is nasty, dirty, and just plain unsanitary. I don’t see why there is such a need to leave toothpaste spit stains running down the side of the sink. Oh, I remember, because his mom is not there to clean up after him. Enter you, the new girlfriend. RUN!
The Elusive Sink Soap: Where is it? Do they hide it? Are they playing a mean joke on us? Soap. We need it to wash our hands but they don’t have any. This SGHC does not exist to them. “Why open two bars when you can just use the soap in the shower?” He’ll exclaim. There’s an idea; let me grab the bar of soap from the shower with your pubic hair on it.
No, thank you! NEXT!
THE MAN CAVE: A SPECIAL INVESTIGATION
by N
Okay ladies, here it is the real deal; we all know that there are certain components that are always there in a new manfriend’s apartment. But did you know that certain components are in all single guy apartments? Recently, I started visiting more and more single guy apartments, of course in the name of research, and realized I have been given the power to spot these single guy household commonalities (SGHC). So I have decided to share my powers for the good of all womankind and for the sake of a little laugh. See if you can spot them at your new guy’s place. Happy hunting!
THE LIVING ROOM
The Leather Couch: This may be the only place to sit in his living room. I have seen this component in white leather as well as black leather. Unfortunately, for the most part, it does contain two reclining seat units; perfect for watching HIS favorite team score while ignoring you. Fortunately, after the game is over, maybe you’ll get to score here too!
The Strategically Placed Animal Print Item: A pillow, a throw, or perhaps a stuffed animal from an ex. These items should be quickly found and burned or at least hidden while you’re in his apartment. What the hell is a grown man, who is not a porn star, doing with animal print items anyway? He is not Tarzan and we are not Jane! Get over it!
The Enormous Television: Yes ladies, size does matter; at least with his television. If you can lie down and horizontally have your height measured with the length of the screen, welcome to a man who is going to love his T.V. more than you. Beware this SGHC may also appear again in the bedroom and can also be accompanied by…
The Video Game System: Okay, so maybe it’s hidden or maybe he has one on order at Amazon.com but it’s usually there. Whether it’s the Wii, the Xbox, or the PSP, Find it! This will become the thing you hate the most! Either he will dump you for becoming better than him at Madden ’09 or you will smash this SGHC to smithereens with your stiletto; whichever way, it isn’t going to end pretty.
THE KITCHEN
The Mug: A.K.A the bowl, the wine glass, the beer pong stand in cup. What the hell is he thinking only owning mugs and that one lone NY Rangers Plastic Beer cup from a 1995 home game at Madison Square Garden? Either his mom or his ex should have stepped in by now. You can do one of two things suggest he buy them and wait for them to come (unlikely) or run!
The Empty Fridge/Freezer: Well empty is a bit harsh. The nine Taco Bell hot sauce packets, the upside-down bottle of ketchup with that one last drop, and the 12 pack of PBR, Bud Light, or Newcastle, depending on his fiscal funding. Now, brace yourselves ladies there might just be a pitcher of cold water for you to drink. See below…
A Brita Water Filtration Pitcher: I know you’re impressed. “This guy must be domesticated and be ready to get married!” Whoa and No! His mom brought this for him when he moved in, he got tired of drinking shitty city water when he comes home drunk, or he is too cheap/too eco-friendly (BOTH WEIRD) to buy bottled water!
The Oddly Placed Dish Towel: This one gets tricky. He uses it to wipe up messes on his counter, as a napkin, and to dry off clean dishes. It never sees the inside of his laundry pile never mind the washing machine. It can be ratty, colored, stained, or contain some weird horse or dog print. Nonetheless, he incongruously folds it and places it neatly on the stove/oven handle or a strategically placed hook. Should we be disgusted with the lack of cleanliness or impressed with the meticulous hang up strategy?
THE BEDROOM
The Comforter from 1984: Okay, so I know that the Transformers movie just made a new appearance in the theatres but that is no excuse for grown men to still have the cartoon version of the comforter on their beds! (Oh yes ladies, I have seen this!) I’m sorry but the mysteriously stained and faded one isn’t cutting it in the bedroom any longer. I want to shout from the rooftop, “BUY A NEW COMFORTER!”
The Thin Brown Pillows: I hate to quote another year here but “1976 called, it wants pillows back!” Seriously, do guys not know that stores sell pillows; new ones, fluffy ones, white and clean ones. If I have to see another puke colored piece of fabric with a case on it, I’m going to vomit!
The Dresser: This is usually a man’s place that he uses as a catchall. Be savvy when perusing over this area. You can spot where he has been and where he is going. Hopefully, you will find a fancy dinner reservation for the two of you among the other girls’ phone numbers, receipts, condoms, and matchbooks.
The Closet: I know what you’re saying, “I have a closet, N.” I know so do I, but mine or should I say ours is not filled with a dirty laundry pile, pairs of Reef flip-flops with the bottle opener on the bottom, and a mini-fridge for midnight beers. Keep a close eye on this guy or at least sneak a beer while he’s sleeping.
THE BATHROOM
Dirty Shower Curtain: I am going to try to be nice here. Why do so many so many single men think that the curtain will magically get cleaned just by being in the shower? Mold, Mildew, and Dirt do not go away on their own. I’ve been that girl clinging for dear life in the single guy’s shower up against the wall trying to avoid even skimming the dirty curtain with my elbow. Do yourselves a favor and the next girl’s; cut this SGHC down! He’ll get the hint.
Toothpaste Graveyard A.K.A the Bathroom Sink: This is nasty, dirty, and just plain unsanitary. I don’t see why there is such a need to leave toothpaste spit stains running down the side of the sink. Oh, I remember, because his mom is not there to clean up after him. Enter you, the new girlfriend. RUN!
The Elusive Sink Soap: Where is it? Do they hide it? Are they playing a mean joke on us? Soap. We need it to wash our hands but they don’t have any. This SGHC does not exist to them. “Why open two bars when you can just use the soap in the shower?” He’ll exclaim. There’s an idea; let me grab the bar of soap from the shower with your pubic hair on it.
No, thank you! NEXT!
posted by Malik Isasis at
12:55 AM
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